I will not have you highlight parts of a document for me, then type the highlighted parts into an email and send them to me, then have you read that email to me over the phone as I drive to lunch, because I didn’t have time to look at what you just spent the past 45 minutes working on.
After I make you stay at the office until 9PM to prepare a packet of documents for an important meeting the next morning, I will not insist that you bring them over to my house, “so I don’t forget them tomorrow,” and then do exactly that, leaving them on my coffee table and, rather than turning around to go get them, make you drive all the way to my house and back in morning traffic and then complain about the fact that I got to the office before you.
Sometimes I make jokes on Twitter, too. In case you couldn’t tell from the “Twitter” button at the top of this blog. BRB, gotta go wash off this self-promotion slime.
If you are Jewish, and I am not, I will give you time off for all the major holidays without any fuss. If I am Jewish, and you are not, I’ll still give you that time off, so that, if anything, I’m not caught sending you tons of emails about things I forgot to do on my Blackberry during services. If we’re both Jewish, I won’t try to convince you to stay at work on the holidays by saying, “Well I’m not taking any time off, so…”
If I get you in our office’s Secret Santa drawing, I will not buy you a Shake Weight, make fun of you in front of the entire office for the gag gift you had nothing to do with, and then not get you anything else.
I will not make a habit of frequently complimenting totally mundane pieces of your wardrobe in a bright, fake tone of voice, to the point where you’re not even sure if you like what you’re wearing anymore.
I will not threaten to fire you over the fact that a poster in my office, fastened to the wall with double-stick tape by you (because I’m a cheapskate), keeps falling down due to the boiling hot temperature at which I insist the thermostat be kept.
I will not decide to go the extra mile for the company holiday cards being sent out on my behalf, requiring you to meticulously print out 200 “personal” messages from me on extremely delicate specialty paper and hand-glue them into 200 holiday cards.
I will not tell you that “we need to deal with my holiday cards this week,” and then put off all your reminders until I’ve procrastinated so much that I need you to take 200 cards home over the weekend to forge in my handwriting, “because it’s more personal, and I just don’t have the time.”
I will not ask you to write me a summary of a Wikipedia article.